my_simple_smile

Its funny, its easy to love someone well there still fresh, like when you don't know too much about them, cause they seem so impossibly extraordinary, like the first time you put on one of those breath mints. But that fades too, and when you realize there not as umm amazing it dies out, its harder to love someone when you find out there just human

oh im over her.

this isn't my real journal, you know. Well maybe that was obvious but this is just where I put useless junk about my life or things I read or hear in hopes someone will care.
So here's another useless piece of information, it's supossedly a suicide note and its from: the perks of being a wallflower (which is a great book and if you haven't read it yet I really hope you do and by the way my report card sucked btu I can't be punished anymore then I already am and I just don't care anymore.
Mkk so here's the suicide note:
Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kisses a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kisses a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bad
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen

I'm sorry if no one else likes this poem but I though maybe it would show you all something. I hope it will help you out. (if you need it)

Hahaha im talking to one of the two most amazing people in the world right now <3

HAHA I'm so ridiculousely stupid sometimes, oh my I've just been suspended from our lovely school of assabet, dear me. Heheh I'll be back tomorrow anyways but you know, its kind of retarded how I'll only be staying till the end of the year (or so my parents say) and then it's back to maynard.
Haha oh well, life sucks sometimes, but your only dancing on earths surface for a little while so I'm gonna make it last forever! Hehehe screw them, I give up, I'm a disaster and I fucking love it, hahah wow I think I'm going emotionally delirious, and I'm suffering from symptoms fo hysteria, hahha you know you love me!
Suspension is boring though, I've had to work all day (with my dad, Ugh, sickening!)
Hahahaha
true friends think you're a good egg even if you are half cracked

I.feel.like.shit.
I'm afraid to be trapped in this house, its so void of light, black and empty and its nice outside but I don't want to be there either cause its way too bright and cheerful. Ugh, I wish there was a place like my sunglasses, shadowy but lit...everything looks better through them anyways.
I wish she didn't care so much
And I wish I wasn't so transparent, its gotten so bad I'm afraid if I look at her she'll know exactly what I'm thinking, I'm going crazy
I'm so afraid she'll find out, I don't think I've ever been so scared before.

Alexis Foss
Tuesday, March 22 2005
Amazing Day
talked to the most beautiful girl ever at the machines, shes gorgeous and her eyes were all twinkly when she smiled at me. She was amazing, and said I was pretty and I blushed, like I always do.
I wish I wasn't so transparent, this girl I know can always tell when somethings wrong, and the fact she cares doesn't make it any easier for me knowing I can't have her, it drives me insane! She's too...good, like she cares, she understand everything except the one thing she can't understand which is me likeing her. Well, actually she'll never get a chance to know that cause I would never tell her, never.
I've come to one conclusion: I hate amazing people, especially when they're so amazing it hurts.

One time you said you dreamt I walked by you like you were air and I was something liveing and breathing and worth caring about. Well now you've got what you dreamed you would.

Dream on.

You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting.

Yesterday was so extrordinary, I don't know what I would do without Jeff and Stevie, we had so much fun, I let Jeff dye my hair reddish purple again, and it came out really good even though it was very awkward since my feet kept slipping on the floor so he was holding my legs and Stevie was supposed to wash it out but he kept making soap moustaches on my face and got it in my eyes so I smacked him and there was soap all over the place and jeff let go and the shock tarts got wet but it came out okay. Hahah Stevie is the funniest person I know, he was dancing around with a broom to Britney Spears and I couldn't stop laughing and Jeff tried to drowned me in the sink and then we all hid in the shower and didn't get any of the video done. Mmm I can't wait to see them again, they have the greatest family ever!
Ya so after that episode I caught up with Melinda and Andrea and they brought me cupped ramen noodles! <3, those two are the greatest and they ate baggy ones cause they know I like chicken. I also chowed down waffles with strawberries and whipped cream which is delicious! Then we were supposed to watch a movie but ended up cuddling on my bed the whole time and when they fell asleep I snuck it downstairs and snagged some Oreos which they woke up to eat. It was nice, I love spendng time with those two they are my best friends! They can bring me cupped noodles anytime they want <3
I love you guys so much!

Hehe I was just at Cumberland Farms and it made me think of Andrea, we're going to "make our own Peeps" together! heheh, not that we like Peeps, we just think it'll be fun.
Anyways, got home from the Guys and Dolls play at Assabet, that girl emily and fatty did really well. Actually everyone did, but they did especially well. Me and melinda were there about a half hour after with koby, it was fun, I introduced them to "George" heheheh.
Then me and melinda went to taco bell with my dad, and I found out melinda thinks every red light leads to my house, those umm tower thingys that glow red. It was funny.
I want to see that movie "A lot like love," will someoene go with me?

PS: melinda is getting her nose pierced tommorow

so, yesterday Andrea, Melinda and Tracy slept over. Well Tra was here first and we were ordering Strawberry Dacquries and they were mixed and everything then melinda called us so we left without paying and the chinese dude was yelling after us so tra grabbed me and we booked it out of there, we also ice skated in the middle of the street, it was very fun, and visited matt, which was boring.
The sleepover was all cuddleing and pizza, but it was fun.
then i saw jeff, im not sure what happened but I know it had to do with andrea...
I wonder what's going on.

just thinking:
Her: Alexis what's wrong?
I answer, refusing to include how much I care about you, how much you mean to me, how you're concern hurts me. Not saying you're beautiful, and one of the most amazing people I ever me and I love you and can't stand. How important you're friendship means and the fact it kills me because thats all we'll ever be, nope I answer:
Nothing. ("protecting you the only way I know how")

oh well, going to the play with melinda and tra...

Mk, rescript that, I'm better now, just had a bad day, relationship issues hahaha...im happy they're my friend, but sad because thats the length of it. I wish they weren't so nice, i wish i could hate, i wish they didn't care. Can't stand when they say those things they said, "I'm not naive alexis, i can tell when somethngs going on...", things like: "I don't really think ignorance is bliss." and ugh i dont even know.
"Why? it doesn't matter."
it matters to me.
"And whys that alexis?"
awkward stuttered stupid lame reply: "Be-because you're my friend."
turn my back on them, tell them to go catch their friends in the work out room.
"But...okay."
Pff, then in the halls, i shouldnt have held they're hands outside the teachers room, shouldn't allow them to hug me
g2g tra's here

everybody knows exactly whats going on now, i've been fucking exposed. ya i know, think before you kiss, look before you love, hug before he sees

Yep, me and cory are chilling, gonna cook spaghetti and watch mrs. congeniality, hahah aren't you jealous. hmm then i have chores, no washboarding though hahah, cops all over brians house, going to see what's going on and picking up a letter jeff said i need, sounds urgent, brb!

today has been great, I'm so glad things are completely back to normal, Tra and Cheryll might be sleeping over thursday, hanna might come to maynard friday and I have that dance too.

I think me and hanna have been late to every class we have today, I got to miss more then the whole first period of math today because marcio is such a sweetheart and brought me with him and these two other girls to the epicurean room and sam was really nice and served us. I saved two deserts and after school me, tra, and andrea devoured them even though half of it fell out in my locker. i can't wait till me and tracy go quading together again, haha we were so good.

the boy i like is about to send me and email, and he said he'd like to talk to me, im a little bit nervous, but thats okay.

wierd things are going on, im not sure where i fall into them but i get the feeling certain thigns aren't really as innocent as they seem and i'm beginning to wonder what happens next.

me tra and andrea chased melindas bus to say bye to her, since she couldnt stay after, jen missed it.

marcio is taking me to the epi again tommorow, for buffet, and you can bet we'll be chowing down on deserts again that day.

i'm really afraid of her, and scared cause i know something is going on, and really worried cause i don't know what i'm supposed to do about it, she makes me hate how things are but everything seems so perfect this way. Whenever she looks at me i try not to look back because im so scared of what might be happening...

ccd people are funny, they checked all our wrists before we left heheh! The priest is a little scary, that one with the irish accent, i guess after he left our class he told amanda and ashleys: "Oh Alexis has grown into quite an attractive young lady, shes matured alot since last year."
i kind of like this boy but i don't think i'm good enough for him. actually i dont think im good enough for anyone but maybe he'll give me a chance.
tricky tricky

Why does it feels the same to fall in love or break it off?








....and she'll never whisper a word about what's really going on

Jeff's was fucking terrific, I just got back! hehehe, they're were eight of us over there, we all wresteled and everything (I came in second)! It was the greatest sleep over ever, after everyone left me, jeff and stevie chowed our way through half a chocolate cake hahaha. They're family is so amazingly perfec (well noones perfect but they're pretty danm close). The mom cooks! She baked us the cake, and then in the morning she even woke up to make us cinammon rolls. Wow I wish they could adopt me. Had a nice snowball fight, wore jeffs pants (I'm wearing them to school on monday too!), joked about the FP. It was so like...fun? It made me feel so much better about all the shit that's been going on. Hehe he did my hair, and makeup too (which I managed to screw up in like five seconds), (probably because Blaine bodyslammed me when joseph, me and stevie were trying to relax. We had a scavenger hunt too, which I won! heheh then we played survivor, and me and stevie backstabbed them all which was quite hilarious especially when shannon, jeff and shawn found out joseph had sold them all out! Oh my, heheh me, jeff and stevie curled up and watched Not Another Teen Movie with a big bowl of popcorn and the pugs. It was really cool, I can't wait to sleep over again. Talked to Jamie, she seems like a pretty cool kid, can't wait till I get to meet her this summer, everyone wants to see me and her wrestle, lol. We attempted to shoot our own music video, and it didn't come out too good but thats okay. The dance got canceled but it was way funner without it, even when they all pinned me on the bed and tickled me. I choked on a drink too cause stevie wouldn't quit making faces at jeffs, I couldn't breath and like gagged into my cup and everyone started cracking up which really didn't help cause then I choked even worse. My body kills from all the punishment they put it through, joseph and blaine tried to attack me at the sometime so I grabbed them, ended up getting thrown down anyways and cracked my head wicked hard on a table, also got thrown from a bunk, kicked in the knee, smashed into a wall and cuddled with which made it all better. We tried to pretend like we were all sleeping when theyre parents came and said they had to go but it worked horribly. Stevie was sitting on a giant ball and I kicked it out from under him and he smacked his ass on the floor but he got me back by flipping me off it and into the work out eguipment and severely bruised my arm.
I love them oh so much, <3 Jeff, Stevie, Joseph, Shannon, Shawn, Dougie,and Blaine...(and dougie and timmy)

Friday sucked, had a bad day, don't worry I don't take myself to seriosely though. Sometimes I deserve what I get, some fights are just silly and reckless. Want to know about friday?:

"Life just sucks: I lost the one-I'm giving up, she found someone. There's plenty more: girls are such a drag.
So all you little ladies: Be sure to choose the right guys!
You'll come back to me (maybe), I'll shower you with lies. Got a lotta heartache-she's a fucking weasel, decisions make my mind ache...want to make a deal?
Ease away the problems and the pain:
The girl chose the one guy who makes you want to kick and scream, all along, you wish that she would stay..."
AND
GIRLS ARE SUCH A DRAG!

hmmm, this day has been so fucked up, i'm not sure weather to laugh cause its ridiculous or cry cause it hurts. I'm playing with fire trying to break the ice in the shop room.

Anyways cold words hurt the soul, but silence will break the heart.

Caught under the false pretends that you're not running away, you're walking. Another bitter lie to leave me starving for the truth, so in a year you'll be gone again? What did you expect? For me to fall upon my knees and beg you not to go? My pride's the only thing I've got left,and I just might crawl for you, but hey maybe that isn't the case at all. Maybe you neverknew me as well as you thought you did.

"Love makes us act like we are fools. Throw our lives away, for one happy day..."

hmm im sitting next to this very intresting guy, he reminds me of batman hehehe...

Anyways, so far my day has been pretty happy, me and Elise have wandered the halls in search of teachers, hahah Don't kick that door!

yes my mum has work again today, but i'll be after anyways.

Still debating...dance with jeff where i will be critized for a few hours or mall will i will feel guilty...

You gotta swear don't forget to remember me...